European Economic Kerplunk

European leaders are having a busy time, rushing around from one financial crisis meeting to the next. Tempers are flaring as the finger pointing escalates to shouting and no one can agree where they go from here.

A little background perhaps. A united currency and a united Europe have always been the dream of career politicians. Struggling up the greasy pole of national Politics and running one nation just seems so petty when you can run 27 nations instead. The Great European project, designed to unite us all in equality, rights and taxation could only ever come from an unelected Council sitting in Brussels. You don't need your silly little currency, when we can offer you the very same one the mighty Germans are going to use. All you need to do is included in this welcome pack, along with a few brown envelopes of "development" cash to get you started and pretty soon, you'll be traveling up and down brand new motorways in brand new BMWs. Just like we do.

And of course, they sold it just like that. Wear this badge of blue and gold and your electorate will soon be voting you into office again and again safe in the knowledge that nothing, nothing do you hear, can possibly go wrong. Except it has.

As I write this column, the fragile Kerplunk exoskeleton that our masters have built to protect and surround this monster creation of smoke and mirrors is beginning to creak and wobble. Greece has just defaulted because it has no money. It never did. All the EU money that poured into Greek infrastructure after they signed on the dotted line was borrowed from the banks of the nations who had the biggest dream of being captain of the mightiest ship in the World Marina. Issue some more bonds, growth will come, it'll get paid back when the Greeks are rich enough to buy our Renaults and BMWs. Except of course, Greeks farm olives, grow melons and herd goats. Just this week, they were rioting on the streets of Athens as the brutal reality of a 50% reduction in wages kicked in. Sorry, guys, you've been living on borrowed money, paying yourselves vastly inflated wages because no Politician dare tell you you couldn't. In honesty, your wages now reflect your true worth, pretty much the same as before you were all issued with blue badges to place on your gleaming new cars.

So the big fight over this week has not been who will give Greece the next €200 Million to pay the wages but who will cover the debts of the French and German banks when Athens once again stands in front of the European Central Bank like a teenager who has blown his allowance on diamond encrusted Nike trainers to impress his mates. After much screaming and tantrums, it turns out the ordinary German taxpayer is going to be asked to cover the debts of French banks who are unable to squeeze anymore juice out of the Greek lemons. They aren't being asked, they're being told. Refusal to do so would see French banks collapse (and French banks are closely tied to the state) and no way is Giscard, sipping a Pastis and counting his Common Agricultural Subsidy money from Brussels going to spend a penny of it supporting anyone else. Fraternite, mon frere, ma derier.

If the banks go down, we all go down, scream the EU Vanity Politicians who set the whole thing up. Wide eyed and panicked they rush around trying to work out which country has taxpayers that won't lynch them from the nearest lampost when presented with the bill - yet again. And they all know, by the end of the year, Athens will back again, shuffling uncomfortably from foot to foot to ask for some more, please.

It puts the Germans in a very difficult position. Like gamblers who cannot leave the table as they wait desperately for their luck to change, eventually even they will not have the money to bail out the European banks. If Italy and Spain crumble, and I see no reason why they wouldn't, no one will be getting anything from anybody - then the fun will really begin. Once again, you will be able to send postcards from the Algarve of quaint peasants riding donkeys to market, string vested unshaven Greek fishermen selling the days catch by the harbour and brow beaten Italians gathering in the olive harvest by hand.

Now ask yourself, would that really, really be such a terrible thing?